The Power to Act

While walking in our neighborhood on a bright sunny morning, the sounds, sights and smells of spring delighted my senses. Our Azaleas were laden with buds on the verge of bursting open. There was the sweet fragrance of the dogwoods and crape myrtles in bloom. Birds were singing and the cool breeze was mixed with the warm rays of the sun. It was a glorious day to be alive and outside! While taking it all in, I looked over to see my husband, eyes looking down, obviously deep in thought and I wonder why am I taking in the delights of this spring morning while Bruce is looking down, amerced in his inner world? How many times have I been like Bruce, lost in thought missing the opportunity to revel in the beauty around me? If ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’ then how did I learn to develop eyes that looked out to see the beauty around me? When was it that I grasped that possibility?

Personally I have made an art of making Bruce wrong over the years. He should be looking here or anticipating that. It’s a testament to his love for me that he continues to tolerate my continuous directions about how he should or should not live his life. On good days I know that it’s not really about Bruce at all. Bruce does Bruce magnificently; he just can’t seem to do Judith too well! Spiritually I know that when I focus on Bruce, I miss my own moments of revelation and growth. I’ve learned over the years that when I find myself obsessing on what Bruce should or should not be doing, to take a deep breath, send love back to him and bring the focus of attention back to myself? When I feel irritated or annoyed with him, I know that his behavior is really a reflection of my own denied behavior. When I caught myself in the story about where Bruce should be looking, I became aware of the many times that I miss the possibilities blossoming around me while I’ve been lost in thought? That thought screams of a truth that my ego would like not to own!

I recall the day at the Strozzi Institute, an ontologically based leadership coaching program in Petaluma California, when we spent a day at a nearby horse farm. Horses are totally instinctive and intuitive beings; they always know what is true around them. You can’t approach a horse without aligning your words with your physical reality. While in the corral I had to make a declaration about the future work I intended on creating to see if the horse would align with me. The declaration was about creating The Power to Act, a group coaching program that I intended to take international. Well the horse just simply ignored me and continued munching on the grass below. Undeterred, I kept trying to get his attention. I was so focused on the task at hand, at the pavement in front of me, that I totally missed that two other horses had come in from the field and stuck their faces over the corral fence. The teachers question resonates with me still “where in life do you focus your attention so intently that you miss all the other possibility around you?” Truth be known, this behavior has served me well over the years, but like my old cell phone, it’s time to up-grade to an phone that meets my needs today.

Seven years ago I realized that I had a fascination with the word possibility. When I came across the Zander’s book entitled ‘The Art of Possibility’ I had to buy it and have read it on and off over the years. I still have three copies in my bookshelf and have gifted friends, family and clients with their own copies. I was surprised and dismayed when I found out that Bruce wasn’t as enamored with the word as I was. He considers the word overused. But then Bruce grew up in sunny San Jose with the lushness of possibility all around him. From a young age he knew possibility; he could be a doctor like his father or an Indian chief, anything was possible for him.

While I grew up with all four seasons, I’ve always felt that, spring and summer went by all too quick and that my life reflects more the beauty of fall and the stillness of winter. Like our rose bushes caught in a late frost, the promise of my flowering in spring was lost to the whim of Mother Nature. Both of my parents graduated high school. They believed in education; that is at least for their sons. While they made plans for my brothers to attend college, they never held that possibility out for me. I was expected to marry and have children. That didn’t take a college degree! It took one week at Mass Mutual Life Insurance Company for me to realize that while others young girls were busy filling their ‘hope chest’ with linens and household goods, planning for the day they would marry; my only ‘hope’ was that I not marry any time soon! That simple but profound decision provided the bud of possibility that there would be a spring in my future. It provided a springboard from the limits of life as I experienced it, to the lush green pastures of college. That fall I took classes at our local community college and was accepted the following fall to a four year BS degree program. Spring had sprung!

I’ve heard a million times over 15 years of coaching that you can’t change people. And if they are saying I can’t change another person, then I agree. What I do know for certain is that I can change; at a cellular level I am changing all the time. To quote a coaching axiom: change is inevitable, growth is optional! The bigger question has always been, ‘is there a compelling reason to grow?’ I found my reason to grow in the face of life’s crisis. When I went through the death of my first husband and father at 39 years of age, life as I knew it would never be the same; I had to change to live again. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, I focused on the sidewalk in front of me. With each new experience, I learned to believe again, to hope for a new day filled with possibilities.

I can’t share twenty years of exploration in a paragraph, but what I can say is that it took hard work to learn to relax the hold of fear that had me reaching out to control every person and thing around me. The journey itself has been like eating an elephant; ‘one bite at a time and over many, many years.’ Like the yellow brick road, there have been many times that I lost faith and faltered. I’ve embodied the cowardly lion, the tin man and the scare crow and, in the end, found the wizard within. There have been hour upon hour of reflection and moments of courageous action. I’ve identified old behaviors that I let go of, and identified new behaviors to cultivate. I had to let go of the belief that I was only my father’s daughter and my husband’s wife. I had to find out who I was and what was truly possible for me; to the me beyond my roles, to the fullness of my soul! Every time I set an intention to grow, take the time to let my eyes bask in the lushness of its possibility, or create a daily practice to embed a new behavior into my life, things begin to change because I am changing.

At 63 years young I feel I am in the spring time of my life. Really that is why I can now let Bruce walk lost in thought and focused intently on the sidewalk in front of him. Why not? I’ve walked the same sidewalk and I know in my heart of hearts that if he continues to walk his walk, not mine, he will experience his own special springtime. By letting go of the facade of control, my eyes are free to take in the beauty of spring and all of its possibility that is around me. Today I know the beauty of the ’eyes of spring.’

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