The Power to Act

Friends, what does that word really mean?  I’ve use that word to describe people who are little more than acquaintances as well as with people who are very important in my life.  In short practically everyone who does not fall into the category of enemy gets described as a friend.  But are they all truly friends? If the mantle of friendship is given to everyone, does the term become meaningless?

I spent last weekend visiting with friends from high school. It was an intimate gathering of four. We came in from Denver, Houston and Palm Desert to meet in San Diego. For some this type of gathering might mean little, but for women who have been friends since the mid 60’s, it was a coming home; a place to reconnect, refuel and recharge.  If a component of friendship is the time we’ve known each other, then we certainly meet that criteria.  The length of our friendship takes my breath away; it’s too shocking for me to get my arms around.   Instead I’d prefer to continue to think of us as young, when it’s more likely at best that we are young at heart!  But does time alone make an enduring friendship?

As a group of high school students, we called ourselves ‘the sexy seven’ which gives you the visual of us as young and beautiful, and there was some truth in that.  But beauty and a healthy ego alone do not make for enduring friendship. When I think of the times that we shared, I understand that the quality and vitality of our experiences did more than our youthful bravado to cement our friendship. Oh we were all good students, but it was in our extracurricular activities that lifelong bonding happened.

We grew up during a time when parents were not frightened to death of the consequences of their child’s actions.  They had made it through years of depression and war.  They reveled in our comparatively carefree life. They allowed us trips to the shore and chaperoned our events.  We danced with abandon.  We rented beach houses and reveled with others at parties.  We had a blast.  And with it all we managed to live our lives with one foot safe at home and the other foot crossing the proverbial line.

We shared a history that is more precious than any amount of time apart can erase.  Over the years we’ve moved around and are presently living across the United States.  None the less we’ve been there for each other during the marriages, divorces, the birth of our children and the many losses that we’ve experienced over the years. We’ve spoken the unspoken and lived.  Even when the complications of our lives made it impossible to connect, someone would chronicle their events and share it with the missing comrades.  When it was more important for me to spend all my free time and financial resources to be with my ailing mother and a very extended family, my friends did not write me off.  They understood and supported me in any way they could.  They visited with me at my Mother’s, sent cards, or picked up the phone to call and let me know they cared.  But life and times are different now. Only one of my childhood friends still lives in our hometown.

During my transient years I lived in Boston, Tehran and Houston and today I’m in my seventh professional reincarnation. Without the benefit of years of shared history, new bonds were formed and I’ve made new friend. Other characteristics of friendship became important. I’ve been touched deeply by people’s openness, caring and the depth of their sharing. I think of Lois, Marla or Susan; friends that I can sit with for hours lost in a conversation over a latte. We are connected spiritually and emotionally in a very deep way. We listen to each other and feel each other’s pain. There is a little fixing, but mostly caring. There is a total acceptance that the other is brilliant in her own right.

Over time some friends have been closer than others.  Proximity can be an issue.  Some friendships have been based on something meaningful like my faith, or a random critical event.  There is Patty and Delrena who I met through church and whose friendship blossomed into the ‘Sweet Tomatoes’ as they spent many hours sharing their time and tremendous talents to decorate my home. There was Leila who I knew her for three years, and even though our paths no longer cross, I will always hold her as a dear friend.  She was my boss at General Electric and she stepped in when my world as I knew it was falling apart.  She circled the proverbial wagons around me and created a safety net that allowed me to exist when I felt like my world would crumble beneath me. So why is it that some friendships endure and others fail to make it to the finish line?

In the end it’s the mutuality of ‘trust’ and its four components that are the most critical element of building an enduring friendship. Do we truly care about each other? Can we rely on each other? Are we competent; do we know how to be friends? And lastly are we truly sincere in our words and in our deeds.

How do I know when I’ve found a trusted friend? It’s in the behaviors!  I can speak my hard truths and still be heard, fall apart, fail or look like hell and still know that I will be held in high esteem.  When I am most fragile, I can trust that my friends will be there for me—to support and build up; never to tear down!  It doesn’t matter if we’ve shared five months together or fifty years, some people just have it in them to be caring, reliable, competent and sincere in their relationships. They are durable, flexible, resilient people and it is wonderful to have them at my side.

In the end all friends are not equal!  I guess I will need to find a better word for those who fill the bill as trusted friend. Whether I call them the sexy seven, sweet tomatoes, lifelong friends, or struggle to find the appropriate term of endearment, good friends make life worth living. Finding a trusted friend is like walking along a deserted beach, picking up a clam shell washed upon the shore and opening it find a beautiful pearl inside. Its beauty takes my breath away! I am always surprised and blessed by the gift of friendship I’ve found!

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