Judith O'Connor
A Prescription for Avoiding Pain
Life has both highs and lows; no one gets to live their life without pain, and yet we live our life as if we could. Chances are that if you breathe you’ve experienced something difficult in your life. It may be the death or serious illness of a loved one or perhaps a messy divorce. It could be a major disappointment like being passed over for a promotion that you just knew was yours for the having. In any event, there is no way of avoiding paying the pied piper as far as pain goes. With that being said I must ask myself; if pain is a given, then why do I still rail against it or move for a quick fix?
When I take on the possibility that I am avoiding pain myself, I realize that there are many ways that I still move away from the uncomfortable and painful feelings in my life. My avoidance technique of choice has been to exit stage door right. I may do this by physically moving away from a painful argument, or by doing retail therapy. I can entertain myself and avoid addressing uncomfortable feelings that are seeping up by walking through racks of pretty clothes. It was an unconscious pattern to keep the reaper of pain away from my door. As a matter of fact, when I jump up and am compelled to get in my car to go – anywhere else – then I knows that pain is trying to get my attention. On good days I can return to a comfy chair to let the pain have its say; to let the pain pass through me.
There is an old saying that says ‘what we resist persists’. It’s a truism that I did not embrace easily, but today I experience it to be true. While bolting for my keys I am only avoiding the inevitable. It is like shaking a can of coke and then capping it. The pain does not go away; it just goes flat. The price of stuffing my feelings over the years has been a ‘flat life’; a life without joy where I’ve felt safe but contained, capped. Truth is that over the years the containment itself brought on pain and I’ve longed to live my life ‘uncorked’! That’s where I am today. I have a great cork skew and have been working to uncork the bottle that is me. Some days I do it better than others, but one thing for sure – there is fizz in my coke and I’ll never let it become flat again.
As a spiritual director I know the importance of letting others have their own painful experiences. As a coach I understand the importance of personal inquiry to help others find their own solutions and directions out of their own painful situations. When used appropriately, inquiry empowers others to find their way in life and muster their own resources. Why is it that even when I know that each of us has our own spiritual path, I can still cross over the line from inquiry to prescription with a ready fix?
I realized that I run to prescription when I see my life’s pain being expressed in someone else’s patterns. I’m always surprised by how quickly I can move into strategies to alleviate or rectify the ‘perceived problem’ even when I know that if I give myself a moment to think it through; my own painful struggles have resulted in my becoming stronger and more resilient as an adult and leader. They have tempered and positively defined me in ways that my happier days haven’t; and yet my reaction is to ‘save’ another from having to experience what I have experienced.  Or is it? Am I metaphorically trying to put lipstick on a pig?  Am I deluding myself? Is the truth more that I’m rushing for the door with keys in hand still uncomfortable with my pain, and avoid it by rushing to ‘my’ solution? That is not a pretty revelation and my body tells me that it is true.
When I think about the path from caterpillar to chrysalis to a butterfly, I’m reminded of the importance of the struggle during the chrysalis stage and the resulting development of wings that are strong enough so that the butterfly can take flight. As a human being I do want everyone to be able to fly; to live their own life and to be able to express all of their own potential.
I also realize that if I truly believe in others potential, I have to strengthen my own ability to encounter and struggle with the uncomfortable feelings that are inevitable in life.  I need to make friends with, or at least learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. Then just maybe I’ll be better equipped to help others live their best lives by being able to stay in inquiry rather than rushing ahead with a quick prescription!
You certainly have the gift of writing & I love that you are so honest about your own feelings & thoughts.
as usual, wonderful words to describe what we all go through.
Karen
I have found over the years with the healing work that I do, the client’s problems are often a reflection of something I have to deal with or at the least take a closer look on some level. Listening as you do, putting your finger on the core, and then the support that you give as follow though also helps you recognize and work through your issues.
My avoidance is to shut down and let my mind and body process. I go to bed: family reaction to stress! Sometimes it goes easy, other times is a long slow haul. But now I know what I am doing. Recognizing the reaction for what it is helped me … just as your reaction of grabbing for the keys.
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
To see the wrong turns and possible outcome in the roads of others might come naturally, maybe it involves emotion (if that someone is close) though being able to take a step backwards it is most of the time very easy to ´see´ what is in front of someone. A very rational process. I notice that it changes the moment it concerns my own pain. As beautifully described in the article, it might seem an option to run away (very recognizable) though only to return with more strength to cripple every other thought, every effort to continue your life. Over the years I have learned it is more healthy, productive and in the end satisfying to confront pain the moment it arrives. This might include totally giving in to the pain for a short time (losing people by death). Once confronted the pain, I am able to accept it, I know I feel hurt. There are moments during these processes that enable me to look at the world, my surroundings, my life in a different way. And more often than not Life gives something in return, even if it just a feeling of appreciation for all the good things that still exist.
To see the wrong turns and possible outcome in the roads of others might come naturally, maybe it involves emotion (if that someone is close) though being able to take a step backwards it is most of the time very easy to ´see´ what is in front of someone. A very rational process. I notice that it changes the moment it concerns my own pain. As beautifully described in the article, it might seem an option to run away (very recognizable) though only to return with more strength to cripple every other thought, every effort to continue your life. Over the years I have learned it is more healthy, productive and in the end satisfying to confront pain the moment it arrives. This might include totally giving in to the pain for a short time (losing people by death). Once confronted the pain, I am able to accept it, I know I feel hurt. There are moments during these processes that enable me to look at the world, my surroundings, my life in a different way. And more often than not Life gives something in return, even if it just a feeling of appreciation for all the good things that still exist.
You certainly have the gift of writing & I love that you are so honest about your own feelings & thoughts.
To see the wrong turns and possible outcome in the roads of others might come naturally, maybe it involves emotion (if that someone is close) though being able to take a step backwards it is most of the time very easy to ´see´ what is in front of someone. A very rational process. I notice that it changes the moment it concerns my own pain. As beautifully described in the article, it might seem an option to run away (very recognizable) though only to return with more strength to cripple every other thought, every effort to continue your life. Over the years I have learned it is more healthy, productive and in the end satisfying to confront pain the moment it arrives. This might include totally giving in to the pain for a short time (losing people by death). Once confronted the pain, I am able to accept it, I know I feel hurt. There are moments during these processes that enable me to look at the world, my surroundings, my life in a different way. And more often than not Life gives something in return, even if it just a feeling of appreciation for all the good things that still exist.