The Power to Act

Each February my husband and I celebrate not only Valentine’s Day, but his birthday just five days later.  What to get the man who has everything? I thought this year. Then I realized that the one thing more precious than a gold watch, or an even  larger flat screen television, would be to fully share the words that are always close to my heart, but are infrequently brought into the light of day. In this month, set aside for lovers, I celebrate Bruce in a new way.

I’m not writing this because I’m a romantic—no one who knows me would ever call me that.  I’m writing this because I’m not.  I grew up with a father whose term of endearment for his faithful and loving wife was “Butch.”  Seriously! When we kids heard that term, we knew that passion was in the air.  Growing up, I never heard my parents utter the words I love you, and we were more likely to find a needle in a haystack than to get acknowledged for a job well done.  Since then, I’ve mastered those three special words, but I’m a neophyte in the area of properly acknowledging others. So this is what I plan to do this year.  To acknowledge what Bruce means to me.

I met Bruce at the first coaching conference in Houston. There was an undeniable attraction and what I remember that day was Bruce standing with other people at the back of the conference room. When I saw him, he was looking directly at me.  Why is that important? Because it was his smile and the directness of his gaze that engaged me. His look was bold, holding my eyes, inviting more connection. I was intrigued. Quietly, even artfully, we worked our way toward each other—as if to savor the dance. It was as if time moved into slow motion. We’ve been dancing together for about 16 years and will have been married 14 years this July.

What did I see that fateful day? I saw a tall handsome man with sparkling hazel eyes. I saw a smile that was broad and inviting. I saw a raw intelligence that still radiates from him. And over the years, these qualities have only ripened like the best bottle of vintage wine from his native California vineyards. With time and daily use, these qualities, for some people, show their wear and tear.  Not so with Bruce.

You might ask what has kept me loving him.  If I had to identify what qualities have ripened best over time, at the top of the list is his constancy. In all these years, I’ve never doubted Bruce’s steadfast love.  Not just of me, though that is very important, but for anyone who has had the blessing of being treasured by Bruce. Certainly, his parents Frances and Lee, his Aunt Dee Dee, his sister Gail, twin brother Gordon and his sons, Barry and Brian, were among the cherished (and today he would add his daughter-in-law Mary, grand-daughters Cassandra and Stella, my sizable family and his many friends.)  Under penalty of death, I can’t come up with anything negative Bruce has ever said about any of them. There are times when I’ve accused him of living in denial or being a Pollyanna. But the more I think about it, I can grasp the gold that the gift of seeing the high side of others has brought into our lives.

I also treasure the depth and tenaciousness of his unconditional love. And it wasn’t easy. Over the years I’ve doubted, tested him, and physically pulled away. I can also be a demanding person—I recognize that now—but Bruce has always been steadfast, standing in front of me, gently there, arms wide open ready to enfold me and to work things out. Could there be any bigger gift than that?

Another quality that Bruce brings is his curiosity and probing mind, his rich intellect. There is no resting on the intellectual laurels of his past. No, Bruce is interestedly inquiring why things are one way or another. Quantum Theory, Ken Wilber’s Four Qual Model, Don Beck’s Spiral Dynamics, to name a few, enrich my life because Bruce encouraged their exploration. Now, I am no slouch in the area of journeying, but my focus has always been narrower in perspective. I will probe in depth anything that sheds light on my own esoteric investigation of Who am I? Not Bruce. His examination seeks global understanding. With his encouragement, I have broadened my understanding of how science works in theory, even as I continue to prod him to relax his “rational mind” to explore the more subtle movements of the Soul.

The area, however,  he has helped me to grow the most is in the area of technology. In that garden, he is a well-tended mature maple tree, and I am a lowly wall of weeds. If Bruce is an early adaptor, then I was dragged into the field  kicking and screaming well after the launch. I’m not a Luddite, but I could have been. With his tutelage he has thrust me into the twenty-first century.  I can’t begin to think where I would be without his love for technology.  Well, that’s not totally the case. I’d be a Mac person without a television. I’d have turned over our four remotes to someone who had the facility of dealing with the complexity of it all.  Fortunately, I didn’t need to do that!

Another enduring aspect of Bruce’s personality is his honesty. I can always count on him telling me what he thinks and his discernment to wait until I ask for his opinion—or the graciousness to button it up, if I’m not in a place to hear. Truth be said, I’m still learning that from Bruce. With his clear but loving criticism, I’m learning to accept that I can be unconsciously righteous and brutal with my opinions, especially about how he should be or what he should do. It’s not easy comparing our hearts—mine is stingy, his is generous. Because of him, I’m loosening the ties that bind that most mysterious of organs.

And not to overlook the obvious, there is Bruce’s stately good looks and exuberant laughter. Upon meeting him, everyone thinks him much younger.  His youthful face and open smile contrast with his white hair and re-define what seventy looks like. His boyish demeanor is the by-product of exploring the world with childhood wonder. But it is his raucous belly laughter that, like sparks from a fire, ignites the embers in my heart into a raging bonfire of joy.

Lastly, I love that Bruce’s world is not contracting, but continues to expand. It is not just in the new things he does, but who he is. You can see it in his physical bearing. It is not rigid but more like a stately pine whose branches reach out to embrace the new and exciting. His physicality is simultaneously solid and soft. Solid, in that he is deeply rooted in who he is.  Soft, in that his heart is open to anyone who comes knocking at his door.  In short, when I see him, his physicality is still able to incite my heart, and I am forever thankful for that.

So I hope that when Bruce reads these words, they settle into his body.  That he will also let them fall like a gentle, soaking rain into his psyche.  And, if and when he might ever feel less than the incredible husband, father, grandfather, friend that he is, that he will revisit this missive and take in all of the wonderful things that his wife, lover, friend and truth-teller says about him with the greatest possible love and deepest appreciation.

Ours is an expansive love. I love Bruce more today than the day we met and look forward to many more years of sharing our lives and deepening our love.  Truly he is my soul-mate, my Beloved, and I thank God daily for allowing me to share my life with such a wise elder and full-out wonderful man. What a gift!

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