Judith O'Connor
Life on the Highway
Today on my way to Tae Kwon Do I found myself putting on my blinker ready to accelerate past the cars in front of me driving the speed limit. When I come across a car that is going slow the thoughts that race across my mind are not fit for print. It’s like they got up today with the sole intention to be an obstacle in the road of life. I know its crazy thinking but anxiety arises and I find myself tensing up. I feel cramped and blocked. Noticing the tension I asked myself “Why am I speeding?” I say that I want to live life at a slower pace so why am I rushing ahead? I like the feeling of being at peace within and I know this is another opportunity to align my actions with my intentions. So I passed on passing and relaxed back into my driving.
In thinking about my unconscious need to speed up two things came to mind. First, there was an incident over the weekend when it took all I had inside of me not to shout at my husband to ‘speed it up.’ We were going to our friend’s home for dinner and I was obsessing on the possibility of our being five minutes late. I was really getting energized about it! Fortunately I’ve learned not to tell my husband how to drive – or at least I know that I shouldn’t. What I haven’t mastered is quelling the angst that I feel when every cell of my body wants to yell at him to “get a move on it.” Second, there was the realization that these two incidents are related. In both instances the need to rush ahead is in conflict with my competing desire to slow down and enjoy the view along the road. Go figure!
My inner dialogue urges me to get to places well before I need to. I always arrive at Tae Kwon Do 15 minutes before anyone else. Just in case I want to believe that it is a good thing, I’ve had others suggest that I not arrive so early for meetings. You might think that it is commendable but now I realize that it is more of a compulsion to avoid any possible recrimination for being late. Why is it such a big deal if I arrive a few moments late? No one else seems to be quite so tensed up by such a little thing. Why indeed?
I’m not happy to report that the core of all this compulsive action to speed up has everything to do with an unconscious fear of displeasing you know who? – My parents. That childhood message to be on time or else has everything to do with my not wanting to do anything to displease them. Long after they had departed this life, their voices and the message to be on time is still loud and clear and unconsciously shaping how I operate (drive) today. Unaware of the original reason for speeding up I put myself under stress that is not only unnecessary but is counter to my desire to live my life in a less stressful manner; a life in the slow lanes. And why is that important?
Driving is a metaphor for how I do life in general. Or at least it is how I 
unconsciously do life. I know that one of my challenges over the years has been to learn to slow down and really enjoy life around me. On good days I do it well but old patterns change slowly and will, when I’m least aware, reemerge.
I know I’m in the fast lane when I’m rushing from one commitment to another without moments of enjoyment. When I find myself at a destination and don’t remember what the journey was like, I’m in overdrive. I’m lost in thought either revisiting the past or thinking about the future; anyplace but here in my body and living in the moment. What can I do about it? One practice I’ve used over the years is to identify a color like red and, as I move through the day, look for it. That little practice has me looking at my surroundings. Another practice is to feel the seat below me and my hands on the steering wheel. When I pay attention to my senses it grounds me and keeps me in the present. It’s when my mind is racing down the road far in front of my car that I’m furthest from my own desires.
Once aware of this pattern I am at choice. I can continue to live with my foot on the accelerator speeding up or put myself into cruise control and take time to slow down and enjoy the view. At least I’m in the driver’s seat and present to the choices I am making. Well, at least for this trip I did relax in and slowed down—and that for me is making progress toward my eventual destination of living life in the slow lane.
I appreciate that your writing reminds me of what is important and how easy it is to lose sight of it, whether by driving too fast or getting into “grinding” mode – just grinding along through life, eyes forward, teeth clenched. I need these reminders and I thank you for their heartfelt expression.
Oh so very true. Isn’t awareness the number one game in life! With awareness we have choice with choice there is opportunity to create the experience we want. Without it — well there can be that grinding along experience.
I have also found that my emotions play out when I drive primarily because of the way other drivers drive. When I get upset, I am letting them control my mood. Driving with equanimity in Houston is a challenge. I am able to do it most of the time.
How can I resist responding to words about something that is such a big part of my life? So, I won’t.
I strongly agree that how we drive says volumes about how we’re living our life at the moment, and about our concern for the effect of our behavior on people around us.
The observer part of me notes that my driving behavior, like my general attitude toward the living of the moments of my day, has changed dramatically as I’ve aged. In younger days, I pushed the traffic most of the time; now I’m content to go with the flow (most of the time.) Also, the caretaker part of me has taken the sting out of being late by doing two things: One, whenever possible, allowing myself ample time to reach my next appointment; and two, whenever I make an appointment, I make sure I have a contact number for the person or group I’m about to see with me. Now, I drive comfortably with the traffic flow knowing that if something happens to delay my arrival, I can call ahead to report what’s happening.
Further evidence of the major shift in my life perspective (and therefore my driving behavior): Several years ago I traded my fast, agile sports car for a supremely comfortable sedan.
And life today is much more relaxed and enjoyable than it used to be.
Wise words from a person who is conscious of his behaviors. Especially love the part about buying a car that better represents how you want to live your life and equipping yourself with the phone numbers you need to notify another of the possibility of being late.
Emotions can be a clue that anxiety is present. A goal of driving with equanimity is still a stretch for me and there has been great strides over the years.
This was such a helpful article. I have been working on awareness while driving for years. My anxiety about “next” is a deeply ingrained habit, and although I consciously know there is nothing to rush for or to, “getting there” or “getting it done” (as if I will finally be able to rest at that point, never happens. I also appreciate your comment about the anxiety about being late, very tied to that pleaser. Thank you for a timely article arriving on the cusp of change and transformation.
My name is Piter Jankovich. oOnly want to tell, that your blog is really cool
And want to ask you: is this blog your hobby?
P.S. Sorry for my bad english
Thank you for connecting! My blog is my passion; it is what I love to do. I am also a leadership coach.
This was such a helpful article. I have been working on awareness while driving for years. My anxiety about “next” is a deeply ingrained habit, and although I consciously know there is nothing to rush for or to, “getting there” or “getting it done” (as if I will finally be able to rest at that point, never happens. I also appreciate your comment about the anxiety about being late, very tied to that pleaser. Thank you for a timely article arriving on the cusp of change and transformation.
Oh so very true. Isn’t awareness the number one game in life! With awareness we have choice with choice there is opportunity to create the experience we want. Without it — well there can be that grinding along experience.
How can I resist responding to words about something that is such a big part of my life? So, I won’t.
I strongly agree that how we drive says volumes about how we’re living our life at the moment, and about our concern for the effect of our behavior on people around us.
The observer part of me notes that my driving behavior, like my general attitude toward the living of the moments of my day, has changed dramatically as I’ve aged. In younger days, I pushed the traffic most of the time; now I’m content to go with the flow (most of the time.) Also, the caretaker part of me has taken the sting out of being late by doing two things: One, whenever possible, allowing myself ample time to reach my next appointment; and two, whenever I make an appointment, I make sure I have a contact number for the person or group I’m about to see with me. Now, I drive comfortably with the traffic flow knowing that if something happens to delay my arrival, I can call ahead to report what’s happening.
Further evidence of the major shift in my life perspective (and therefore my driving behavior): Several years ago I traded my fast, agile sports car for a supremely comfortable sedan.
And life today is much more relaxed and enjoyable than it used to be.
Cool post! How much stuff did you have to look up in order to write this one? I can tell you put some work in.
The ideas and concepts come out of my life. I don’t do a lot of ‘looking up’; I’ve already lived it. And yes, there is always a lot of work in constructing a meaningful blog. Thank you for noticing.