The Power to Act

There are times when you least expect it, that you find out that all of the work that you’ve been doing is starting to pay off. I had one of those experiences on the last full day of our Berkshire vacation. We spent a fun week with our children and grand children, filled with outdoor activities circled around the pool and under umbrellas; that is until my step son came in from an early morning walk with a glint of mischief in his eyes, a discovery, and a challenge. He found the ‘Adventure Rope’s Obstacle Course,’ and it changed forever how I hold myself.

This is the second year that we’ve vacationed at Bentley Brook, nestled at the base of Jiminy Peak ski resort; that is redefining itself into a summer adventure destination. They’ve installed two mountain toboggan slides with deep vertical slopes and sharp banks to excite the roller-coaster set, and a group swing that makes a 360 degree circle. Last year I stood in line with a bunch of intrepid teenagers to experience their latest addition, a giant swing structure with tension cords hooked to a harness set over a trampoline. My goal was to go high enough so that I could do three flips; and with sheer determination and colossal effort, I did it. My flips looked like dense dark molasses slowly making its way around a spoon. I was given points for good form, but major deductions for the lack of vibrancy. Five minutes into the experience, I declared Read the rest of this entry »

I love vacations. Who doesn’t? It’s the days prior to departing that stress me out. I’m a college graduate with a master’s degree, and I still haven’t figured out the art of packing light. I was going on vacation for two weeks and, since you can only take one bag free, I chose the largest one. We were at the airport checking in our luggage when the Continental representative declared that my bag was four pounds over-weight. A correlation of Parkinson’s Law was inexplicably proven—my paraphernalia expanded to fill my suitcase.

They say that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks, but this old dog is fed-up carrying this old bone; it’s heavy, tasteless and I’m ready to bury it once and for all. I want to master the art of lightening-up; both figuratively and literally. This is the first time that I’ve arrived at the ticket counter to be told Read the rest of this entry »

I found a bumblebee in my bathroom this morning.  She was working hard attempting to pollinate the milky white fluted glass light fixture over the sink.  As I watched her, I was mesmerized by the repetitive action of her tong reaching again and again to the inanimate, non-existent source of nectar in front of her. I was drawn into the futility of her actions, and  knew that there was honey for me if I delved deeper into the flower. Curiosity stirred. Since we are all connected, I wondered – How was the bumblebee’s pointless mission relevant to me? How were her instinctual yet ineffective attempts to extract nectar from the light fixture mirrored in my life? How many activities do I mindlessly do with the same hopelessly unproductive results? These questions made me shudder.

The electricity produced from the exploration of the questions began to light up the bulb of my thinking with a host of fruitless patterns: playing solitaire, reading People magazine, self-doubt, procrastination, shame, ridged determination, resignation, and worst case scenario building; to name a few. The list Read the rest of this entry »

Spending time in nature enriches and renews me! When I spend time away from the business and the busyness of life, I come home to my own natural rhythms. This vacation I’ll be richly fed by the green mountains of Vermont, and the tranquility of the Berkshires in Massachusetts. Bruce and I will spend time alone and held in the loving embraced of our families. So consider me leisurely meandering through the verdant mountains, babbling brooks, clear cold water lakes, and quaint rural town villages of New England for the next two weeks. I’ll be back refreshed and renewed and with a new blog post the third week in July.  Till then…..

I’m in such a lovely place today. Life is peachy; I’m centered, grounded, focused and extremely happy.  My heart is filled with joy.  I know deep within the recesses of my being that all is well in my world. During balanced times I’m grounded in the richness of the moment and at the same time, moving forward in the world with equanimity. There is no push or pull; I’m in the middle of a calm but moving river, finding comfort in the buoyancy of my body and the inner tube that supports me as I move down the river of life. It’s a terrific way to start the week, and it’s a raging river’s expanse from where I was last Friday.

Friday’s are usually a privately productive day. I don’t see clients. I use my time to start a new blog post and to wrap-up unfinished projects, so that I can go into the weekend organized and refreshed. I was half way through the day before I realized that  I just couldn’t get engaged in anything productive.  What was going on? Read the rest of this entry »

It is June 3rd, at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and its 75 degrees outside with very low humidity. No, I don’t live in Anchorage, Alaska; I live in Houston, Texas. Like the tumbleweed in west Texas, when June rolls across the parched prairie, visits from family and friends dry up and blow away. Who is silly enough to come to Houston in the summer heat and humidity? For the past 20-odd days, temperatures have been in the mid-90s with humidity running above 90%. That’s pretty much a natural experience. Yet, in the 20 years that I’ve lived here, I’ve never experienced mid-day temperatures of 75 degree during the summer months. I won’t go into a conversation about global warming. Instead I’d rather ponder this change in temperatures as an example of one of those moments in life when things change on a dime. One moment, things are quietly the same and the next instant, life delivers an opportunity for a new life lesson. That is, if you are open to looking for it!

I grew up understanding God as a deity in the sky that both watched over and judged me, depending on my actions. He was fashioned from my Catholic and parochial school years, and my personal experience of my father. I didn’t experience a shaming or a punishing God, but still he was male and distant. Over the years, I’ve fashioned another experience of God, one that is more Read the rest of this entry »

Why did this 63-year-old woman decide to do Tae Kwon Do? I can’t tell you the number of people who, when they hear I am a second-level brown belt, look at me wryly and ask, “Why?” It’s no little decision, not something I did on a whim or because others were doing it. I didn’t do it to learn to defend myself, although that is a great reason to do it. I wanted to know what it felt like to feel powerful all the time, and to create a container that would protect my nascent voice. I did it because I was sick of feeling contained and small, and forgetting that I had power. It was the natural next step of my personal and spiritual development. And, like most major change, it was preceded by a hard life lesson.

Two years ago, I was hired to coach a VP of Exploration whose team was in revolt to turn his working environment around. To clear the air, we were to hold an off-site meeting where the team members had an opportunity to tell Dave what they wanted and why they were unhappy. It was expected to be contentious. My contract was expanded to facilitate this meeting. Because the team was large with about 15 Type A personalities, Read the rest of this entry »

Writing the ‘Bright Spot’ blog was both difficult and illuminating. Like other moments of growth, growth came when I finally realized that, once again, I was struggling. You would think that it would be easy to see, name and claim the moments of struggle, but that’s not my experience. Working hard and pushing through to the goal are bred into our Western strive/drive culture of achievement; struggle has become synonymous with breathing and life. Besides, struggle is counterproductive; it provides the illusion of progress but is a waste of my energies. More importantly, I began to understand the internal struggle between my head and my heart for dominance in my writing. Rather than my head, a salmon swimming upstream to spawn and die, I choose to live the life of my heart, on an inner tube, being carried down the Brazos River. The life of my heart does have currents, and learning to identify them and ride them is part of creating a centered and powerful life.

The word struggle is code  for the fact that my heart has been overpowered by my thinking mind. When I was in my 40s, I began counting the times in a day I used the word ‘struggle’; I couldn’t go for 20 minutes without hearing that horrid word spill out of my mouth or echo in the caverns of my mind. By my mid-50s, I learned to cultivate Read the rest of this entry »

It’s been a week since I read about it, but like a song that has captivated your mind, the concept of ‘bright spots’ keeps circling back into my consciousness. I’ve learned over the years that when my mind, like a dog with a bone, holds fast on an idea or a concept, there is something there for me to learn. I was turned on to the new book Switch, by Chip & Dan Heath, by my husband and two friends. With the third invitation, I knew I had to read it but I had no idea how captivating it would be for me.  Like a lone voice calling out in the wilderness of life, I’m so glad that I heard it  and responded to the call.

The book is about how to create change. It is not a Pollyanna practice of only ‘being happy’. Heavens knows that if we could just do that, we would all do it! Its for those who realize that change is inevitable, but growth is optional. According to the Heaths, you reeve-up the engine of change by identifying Read the rest of this entry »

I love the morning; I love those moments between waking and getting out of bed when I feel warm and cocooned.  Today as I opened my eyes, the first rays of morning sun filtered through the opened shutters and I was greeted by the expanse of the morning light filtered through the long, laden branches of old oaks that circle our backyard. A magical morning was unfolding. Fortunately there was no dire reason for me to jump out of bed, so I took a few more relaxing moments to let the beauty of nature nourish me. I was mesmerized by the interplay of sun light with the stately oaks set to the rhythm of a gentle breezes; the dance was graceful, playful and mesmerizing. As I watched I could feel my body come alive and a gentle smile made its way across my face. Bushy tailed gray squirrels were scampering from branch to branch with no real reason other than they could. The birds where chirping and cooing, involved in their own morning musical rituals. In front of me was a painter’s palate overflowing with shades of lush greens, yellows, and sky blues with sunlight twinkling through. As I took in the beauty around me I Read the rest of this entry »

As a young woman I never thought about progress or possibilities.  My dreams were small – of being a hair stylist or stewardess.  My journey has been defined by what I didn’t want rather then what I wanted.  At 18 I knew I didn’t want to be married; I didn’t want to have babies any time soon.  I lived in reaction to life.  I matured into adulthood, graduated from school, began my career and married.  I was happy.

Within the first six months of my 39^th year, my husband died of brain cancer and my father had a fatal heart attack. True to my past, I had fashioned my life in reaction to others; I was my husband’s wife and my father’s daughter. And when they were both gone, I found I didn’t know who I was.  Who was the person who embodied those roles? Read the rest of this entry »

About 5 years ago, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a dream I can only describe as startling, puzzling, and life changing. There was a polar bear that lived in a lean-to beside my home.  As strange as that was in itself, the thing that really troubled me was that this bear wore a muzzle.  The image tormented me; I couldn’t get it out of my mind’s eye. Why was the bear wearing a muzzle and what was it doing living beside my home? Why wasn’t it living in the wild? Just thinking about it brought me to tears and made my stomach clench tightly.

Whenever I have a physical reaction to a dream, I pay attention because I know I’ve struck a vein of pure gold. With the help of a Jungian analyst, I came to understand that the polar bear represented my powerful instinctual energies and the thing that was muzzled Read the rest of this entry »

At 27 I asked my mother if she thought I would ever meet the man of my dreams and marry.  Her sage response:  When you meet the right person, you won’t be asking me, you will be telling me.    The area of love and marriage has always been a “mind field” for me.  For others it might be strategizing for the next great career move, or planning to have their first child.  In the arena of meaningful relationships, I was hopeless.

The first time that I knew something with certainty was when I met my first husband.  I was 29 years old when I met Gene. I was opening the first secretarial school to teach Iranians how to provide secretarial support Read the rest of this entry »

The clock next to me read 3:23 am when I awoke this morning with a strong urgency to write.  I had recently heard a speaker say that she was blogging about happiness because there are so many people who claim that they are unhappy.  What is happiness anyway? How do I cultivate it?  Am I happy?  These questions were percolating deep within me at that very moment, and I had to find an answer.

What is happiness?  Webster defines it as: characterized by luck or good fortune; prosperous or having or demonstrating pleasure or satisfaction; gratified.  No wonder there are so many people who are unhappy—the definition itself is dissatisfying.  What does luck or good fortune have to do with happiness?  Luck, good fortune, and/or prosperity have to do with things that happen to you; not who you are!  Read the rest of this entry »

Often the word winter paints an image in some minds of clean white snow, children excitedly building snowmen, and couples skating hand in hand on a perfectly frozen blanket of ice.  Growing up in the North East, however, caused me to have a different view point. When I think of winter, I only seem to remember the hardest part of it – the dog days of winter.  Even thinking about it brings me angst, with the endless months of unbearable cold and the gray color of snow after it had been mixed with dirt and stripped it of its beauty.  It dragged on, and on, and on.  As a child winter was simply a fact of life.  I moved through the dog days of winter neither loving it nor hating it, but simply tolerating its grayness while impatiently waiting for spring.  That is how I’m feeling right now and I Read the rest of this entry »

I was 26 when I went to see a dermatologist because there was crustiness on my checks that I couldn’t get rid of.  I’ll never forget his looking at me, pulling a medical book off his shelf and passing it over to me.  “You’re allergic to cold rain, snow and sleet” he said.  It was a typical cold, sleety February and I was feeling gray.  With that news something came alive in me.  I had to do something; the status quo just would not work anymore. If I’m allergic to winter, then I’d better figure out a way to get myself to a warmer climate.  In that moment of clarity I found something I can only describe as ambition.  I didn’t know how I would do it, but I did know that I would find a way to release myself from the doldrums and damage of winter for good.  With that decision energy flowed through my veins.   I had a goal worth achieving, and that was a better salve than the Vaseline the doctor told Read the rest of this entry »

“I want to be courageous.  That’s what I want out of my coaching!”  What a powerful declaration about who my client intends to be in the world. The conversation took me back to my time at the Strozzi Institute, Leadership in Action Program in Petaluma, CA when I made a similar declaration and it changed my life forever!

I used to live with the misconception that courage is a state of not fearing; that self-possession, resolution, bravery or valor happens only when fear is absent.  So I was always surprised when people used the word courageous when describing me.  I certainly didn’t experience myself as courageous. In these instances, there was an “if they really knew what I was feeling they wouldn’t call me courageous” inner dialogue. Today I believe that fear is Read the rest of this entry »

Today on my way to Tae Kwon Do I found myself putting on my blinker ready to accelerate past the cars in front of me driving the speed limit.  When I come across a car that is going slow the thoughts that race across my mind are not fit for print. It’s like they got up today with the sole intention to be an obstacle in the road of life. I know its crazy thinking but anxiety arises and I find myself tensing up.  I feel cramped and blocked.  Noticing the tension I asked myself “Why am I speeding?”  I say that I want to live life at a slower pace so why am I rushing ahead? I like the feeling of being at peace within and I know this is another opportunity to align my actions with my intentions.   So I passed on passing and relaxed back into my driving.

In thinking about my unconscious need to speed up two things came to mind.  First, there was an incident over the weekend when it took all I had inside of me not to shout at my husband to ‘speed it up.’  We were going to our friend’s home for dinner and I was obsessing on the possibility of our being five minutes late. I was really getting energized about it! Fortunately Read the rest of this entry »

Two days ago my 92 year old Aunt Ruth fell while moving from the table.  Now, if this were to happen to any other 92 year old woman, it may have been tragic, but not my Aunt Ruth because she still has an indomitable spirit and physical resiliency.   She got up, dusted herself off and went out to breakfast with a girl friend.  Her concession was to return home after breakfast to rest.  She felt a little unstable and unsettled from the fall and wanted the comfort of her cane for awhile and the safety of her familiar surroundings.  Her complaint was that she realized that she needed to stop and get her bearings before she moved around, while my complaint was that she was my aunt by marriage, so I couldn’t inherit her genes. At ninety, after years of constant excruciating pain, she had knee replacement and wondered why she waited so long.   She is like the energizer bunny – she just keeps going.

If my Aunt Ruth is a study of movement in action, then my Mother was a study of the importance of taking care of herself.  As a young mother and wife she used every ounce of her energy to make a home and rear her growing family. In her early years things like neatness and order drove her, but in her Read the rest of this entry »

Yummy, that’s what the instructor said that experiences could be. His words hit me with the force of a well placed Tae Kwon Do kick. I was stunned. I’ve never connected life’s experiences with the word yummy! I’m still not sure what to make of it. What I do know is that his words keep coming back to me when I least expect it. Like an uninvited guest that demands attention, his words erupt into my psyche. Over the years I’ve learned to pay attention to what my mind relentlessly puts in front of me.

It was at a training last weekend and we were studying the Pearl; an essential essence that is at the core of all human beings. It is part of who we are when we come into the world, but we lose connection with it as we traverse the mountain called childhood. Things such as joy, trust, lightness and a sense of adventure or an assuredness of being okay in the world, are unconsciously give up for security and parental approval.  Pearly essence is foundational to Read the rest of this entry »

Life has both highs and lows; no one gets to live their life without pain, and yet we live our life as if we could.  Chances are that if you breathe you’ve experienced something difficult in your life.  It may be the death or serious illness of a loved one or perhaps a messy divorce.  It could be a major disappointment like being passed over for a promotion that you just knew was yours for the having.  In any event, there is no way of avoiding paying the pied piper as far as pain goes. With that being said I must ask myself; if pain is a given, then why do I still rail against it or move for a quick fix?

When I take on the possibility that I am avoiding pain myself, I realize that there are many ways that I still move away from the uncomfortable and painful feelings in my life.  My avoidance technique of choice has been to exit stage door right.  I may do this by physically moving away from a painful argument, or by doing retail therapy.  I can entertain myself and avoid addressing uncomfortable feelings that are seeping up by walking through racks of pretty clothes.  It was an unconscious pattern to keep the reaper of Read the rest of this entry »

Friends, what does that word really mean?  I’ve use that word to describe people who are little more than acquaintances as well as with people who are very important in my life.  In short practically everyone who does not fall into the category of enemy gets described as a friend.  But are they all truly friends? If the mantle of friendship is given to everyone, does the term become meaningless?

I spent last weekend visiting with friends from high school. It was an intimate gathering of four. We came in from Denver, Houston and Palm Desert to meet in San Diego. For some this type of gathering might mean little, but for women who have been friends since the mid 60’s, it was a coming home; a place to reconnect, refuel and recharge.  If a component of friendship is the time we’ve known each other, then we certainly meet that criteria.  The length of our friendship takes my breath away; it’s too shocking for me to get my arms around.   Instead I’d prefer to continue to think of us as young, when it’s more likely at best that we are young at heart!  But does time alone make an enduring friendship?

As a group of high school students, we called ourselves ‘the sexy seven’ which gives you the visual of us as young and beautiful, and there was some truth in that.  But beauty and a healthy ego alone do not make for enduring Read the rest of this entry »

The times they are a changing! There is something new afoot welling up inside of me.  For over a year now I’ve physically felt tides pulling the sands out from under my feet, leaving me unsteady and off balance in conversations.  There were clues along the way that things were changing. I would leave meetings with friends feeling depleted and hollow, rather than nourished and up-lifted.  It would convenient to say that it has everything to do with the people I’ve been in conversation with, but that is not the case.  There is nothing wrong with them at all; they are brilliant and caring!  It has everything to do with me and how I’ve historically shown up in relationships.  What I do know is that what worked in the past is no longer working for me! How do I know?   The emptiness I feel in my body and a mood of resentment that has started to creep into my consciousness.

I recall a similar shift that happened when I was in my forties.  Being newly widowed, I realized that every time I went to dinner with my girlfriends the conversation of laundry detergent or some similar household product would come up.  Once I realized it was not going away, I got annoyed.   Was this a new conversation or was I just recognizing it for the first time. If we’ve always talked about it, why hadn’t I noticed it before?  Was there a relationship between the change in my marital status and the type of conversations I could tolerate?  Had the level of conversation settled on the safe and Read the rest of this entry »

We lucked out!  We had a glorious day to attend Houston’s Bayou Arts Festival held in beautiful Memorial Park.  Our plan was to arrive early to beat the crowds. The weather god was smiling down on us that day, with sunny skies, temperatures in the low 70’s and a brisk cool wind.  It was warm in the sun and cool beneath the ample live oaks that shaded our path.  It should have been the bests of days but by the end of the day, the cold wind that was blowing was from within me and biting cold words were warmed by my scolding hot temperament. Not the day I had imagined.

How do I begin?  There were five of us well equipped for a lovely day of browsing the fabulous art festival.  We had our sun screen, sun glasses, hats, some disposable currency and cell phones. Well most of us were equipped. One person arrived without his cell phone; a vital piece of equipment needed when traversing the intriguing booths and swarming crowds.  With a little annoyance we adjusted our plans to identify a place where we could meet up if he got cut off from the group.  With the advent and popularity of cell phones, this historical problem has almost been extinguished from our lives. There is little need for lost and found booths with blaring public intercoms announcing lost children, and certainly no need for any adult with a cell phone to be lost at all.  Well almost no need!

We met for a hearty early breakfast and arrived around 10:30 ready to take in the paintings, glass work, ceramics, ironworks, and apparel.  Within only one hour our friend Jill was already retracing her path to see if she could find her husband. By 12:30 Jill was seething and had already found a place to sit in wait for him. After the next two hours her seething anger was mixed with concern for his well being and we were all being scattered in different directions to see if we could find our lost friend.  Like a parent with a lost Read the rest of this entry »

While walking in our neighborhood on a bright sunny morning, the sounds, sights and smells of spring delighted my senses. Our Azaleas were laden with buds on the verge of bursting open. There was the sweet fragrance of the dogwoods and crape myrtles in bloom. Birds were singing and the cool breeze was mixed with the warm rays of the sun. It was a glorious day to be alive and outside! While taking it all in, I looked over to see my husband, eyes looking down, obviously deep in thought and I wonder why am I taking in the delights of this spring morning while Bruce is looking down, amerced in his inner world? How many times have I been like Bruce, lost in thought missing the opportunity to revel in the beauty around me? If ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’ then how did I learn to develop eyes that looked out to see the beauty around me? When was it that I grasped that possibility?

Personally I have made an art of making Bruce wrong over the years. He should be looking here or anticipating that. It’s a testament to his love for me that he continues to tolerate my continuous directions about how he should or should not live his life. On good days I know that it’s not really about Bruce at all. Bruce does Bruce magnificently; he just can’t seem to do Judith too well! Spiritually I know that when I focus on Bruce, I miss my own moments of revelation and growth. I’ve learned over the years that when I find myself obsessing on what Bruce should or should not be doing, to take a deep breath, send love back to him and bring the focus of attention back to myself? When I feel irritated or annoyed with him, Read the rest of this entry »

February 10th was the first anniversary of my brother, Patrick’s death at 55 years young. I’ve experienced loss in the past; buried my first husband and father when I was 39, best friend at 45 and my mother at 60. But the loss of my younger brother is as surreal to me today as the day I got the call telling me that he died! It was sudden, a heart attack. He was home alone. We were all stunned. How could someone so vital leave us so abruptly? In hind sight we went through the rituals of death in shock. This was the first death of someone dear to us in our generation, in our family. Naturally his wife and children took the biggest hit. Life for them will never be the same; will always be colored by his absence. But within the circle of siblings it was my brothers who still live in our hometown, who lost not only their brother but their best friend, where the river of grief ran deepest. It was from my younger brothers that I would learn the next great lessons on life, loss and love.

First let me tell you a little about my brother. We called him the gentle bear. He was 6’1”s and about 240 pounds. He worked as a corrections officer at the Ludlow Prison and was grappling with when he should retire. He had a smile that could light up the sky and a nature that was both loving and easy going. His number one love was spending time with his family. He had a loving wife and two fabulous children who adored him. I remember the first time I saw Read the rest of this entry »

Lying in bed before turning off the lights for the night, we frequently preview the next day’s schedule. To our delight Sunday was wide open! It was like finding a forgotten air line ticket to an exotic destination. We could create the day of our dreams! It had been a very busy month and we were both tired. While we always schedule something fun to do each weekend, most of our weekends are consumed with cutting the grass, weeding the flower beds, or just catching up on the work from last week. As we celebrated our good fortune, we also decided to make the best use of our open schedule by not filling the time with more to do’s, but to let the day flow naturally. Like two kids waiting for Christmas morning we went off to bed with thoughts, not of sugar plums, but of hours lost in the Sunday paper with steaming coffee and warm bagels and a leisurely walk along Hershey Park. But none of those things ever happened.

It was around 7 AM and my husband was standing over me. As I began to stir, long before I intended for my eyes to open, I could hear Bruce’s voice. It came as a muffled distraction. “Remember its only money. Don’t get excited, remember to stay calm, there is something I need to tell you, so please wake up.” Why was Bruce speaking to me? What could be so important that he would be attempting to wake me up so early? Then his words took hold in me; Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday I went to dinner with two women friends, Marla and Kym. We had plans to do dinner at the Chelsea Café  in the Museum District, and then attend an art show at the Jung Center. The chatter of women friends, a great table outside on the patio, sumptuous food served up with a cool night breeze provided all the fixings of a gourmet experience. During the meal, however, I felt my energies crashed. A torrent of exhaustion washed over me that was not congruent with the relaxing day that I had created for myself. It was such a beautiful day, that earlier I shelved my plans to do anything that could deem constructive inside the house and instead sat quietly out on my patio, reading and doing absolutely nothing! I was ready for our night of merriment—happily unaware that I  was experiencing the quiet before the storm.

One moment I was up and flitting about and chatting away; and the next moment I looked like a folding chair ready for storage. It took energy to sit up in the chair. At dinner, perceptive as Marla is, she saw the change in my Read the rest of this entry »